Hi friends,
Glad to be back with you all. It’s been a minute since my last dispatch. Things have been moving apace. For a few months in the summer I lived in Providence, RI where my wife Alison recently finished her master’s degree. Now I write to you from the suburbs of Boston, MA where we’ll be for the school year. I’m off on fellowship from UW-Madison this year and we’re expecting our first child this fall so my days are mostly trying to find a working rhythm and learn this temporary place and trying to “finish” my year by the end of September.
Being an expectant parent is fascinating and exciting and thrilling. It is interesting to see how people who you’ve known for years seem to open a new segment of themselves to you once your joining to this club is imminent. Even my own parents have shared stories or spoken to me in registers that… I don’t really think they’ve ever shared with me before now. I don’t take it to be malicious, but I do find it curious. The only (poor) comparison I can make is after pledging my fraternity. It was another time where people I knew previously began to shift the way they engaged with me because I had joined their club or joined a club that wasn’t the one that they’d hoped I’d join or something else entirely. Similar to entering into the world of Black Greek Letter Organizations, parenthood is this thing that a lot of people have strong feelings about (whether or not they’re in the club) and once you step towards it you begin to be subject to people’s feelings on the club.
I hope that doesn’t sound too bleak. Or too judgmental or negative. That’s not at all my intent. I’m just trying to give language to a thing. That’s my job.
At any rate I am excited to be a parent. I am also thinking a lot about what the role of parent, and in particular the role of father, will mean for me.
I didn’t grow up with my dad in the house. I don’t mean to say that as a negative criticism of him or my mom or to say he wasn’t in my life but just to say that he wasn’t in the house when we were growing up. There were points in my childhood where I felt shame or anger about that fact but now I simply regard as a particular shape of my particular family. Me and my dad are in a beautiful place relationship-wise, and the growth of that relationship has been one of the true joys of my adulthood. And yet, I understand that his absence from the home put pressure on my mom and other adults in my life and also on us kids. To be fair, his presence would have had other pressures. One time, for several months, he moved into our townhouse. I admit to you that my memories of that time are not positive. Maybe I just wasn’t accustomed to him in that way and he wasn’t accustomed to us and maybe it would’ve smoothed out. Who knows? I am only saying to you that I glimpsed the 2-parent household I could’ve had and honestly… I did not want it. I could say more about why but some of that story is not mine to tell alone.
Why am I thinking about this? I suppose because I feel like I’m at the end of a particular plan and I don’t fully know what comes next. When I was a kid, my mother was deeply invested in the idea that I become somebody’s husband. In retrospect, I think this was because she felt that making me a loyal man who would endure to and through marriage would be something restorative. My mother’s parents divorced when she was in college I think and everything she’s ever said about it suggests that it was hard for her. As were the dissolutions of her own marriage and partnerships. Hell, even my great grandparents broke up (though perhaps they never legally divorced).
So, I very much wanted to have partnership and marriage and now I have them. But I don’t really have a script for what comes after. I know presence comes after and love and support (both for my child and my spouse) but I am… fuzzy on the details of what that might look like except to say that it will likely look somewhat different than my own upbringing (though hopefully in some ways it will look similar).
I realize that my relationship and now our expanding ‘household’ appear both normative and strange at the same time. For example, I did the lion share of the planning for our wedding (which confused many vendors and websites). I also do a fair amount of the household labor (quantifying this is…treacherous but as an example I handle the vast majority of dishes, trash, and laundry). Sometimes when I talk to friends or mentors, I realize from their conversations that my home life has some atypicality though I never quite know how much because I… find myself to bashful to ask more or share more. But I think about it a lot and it is one of those things I’m always observing and noting to myself to try to understand where the line of expectation actually rests (not that I think where the line rests is actually desirable).
OK this one has gotten long but I have a few offerings and a few questions for you all:
1. How did you learn/decide how to divide labor amongst adults in a home? Are you happy with those model(s)?
2. Any advice about parenting/fatherhood? Nothing too obvious or mundane. I believe in crowdsourcing wisdom.
3. What things from your raising as a kid would you want to replicate for children you love?
A few things I loved about my childhood:
Growing up on a block that was close knit and had many generations
Going to a school that was diverse racially and economically where the culture was supportive of being “nerdy”
Going to schools with lots of Black teachers and administrators (the first school I attended with a white leader was Vanderbilt University)
Having a private ritual with my dad (Growing up he always took me to White Sox games and often alone and it was really helpful especially when our relationship was hard, because we had a shared ritual we could lean on.)
Having involved grandparents
Learning to play an instrument (hated it at the time but it helped me appreciate art and effort)
Growing up across the street from a park
Growing up with lot of sisters and women in my life
Okay that’s enough for now. Feel free to comment your reflections or send me a private message or just hit my line if you know me like that.
Peace,
Nate
This was dope man, especially because I just became a Dad. Main advice I'd give from two weeks in: husbands ARE needed in the lives of their children before 6 months. You'll often hear it put otherwise, but that's just not right. Do all you can to bond with your baby and support your wife. It's all circular - caring for one cares for the other.
This was lovely and really resonated as another new-ish member of this parenting club
As for #2, a piece of wisdom I appreciated especially the first year, is that everything is a phase and none of them last too long. It's a nice balance of appreciating the adorable and not getting too phased by the rough patches - they're often gone in a few days